Wanting More

I have a yearning to go back to school. I have this feeling that I have to prove something to myself. I have this habit of not finishing stuff. I don't know when it started exactly. Maybe when I younger in school? I only did enough to get by. Enough to pass but I only put my effort into things in school that I enjoyed. Things that I didn't enjoy I chose to not complete. Not that it was difficult. I just felt that I could be doing something else with my time. As a teenager I wanted to make friends and learning came secondary. It wasn't until I was grown and my grandmother had passed away that I realised that I needed to pay attention to my life and where I was going and doing to take care of myself.
I think bringing a baby into this world makes me rethink how I feel about everything. After all, from the time he's born I will forever have these little eyes watching my every move. I want him to know that his parents are successful. No we aren't loaded with money. I wish. But I want him to know, that they complete stuff that they put their minds too. And he can too.
I am having a strange queasy feeling and its so not related to my pregnancy. I feel the same way I feel when I was 18 and graduating from high school. When I had that dreadful conversation with my grandmother about what I wanted to do with my life. I said I don't know. Well, because I didn't know. And its been about 10 years and I am embarrassed to say that I still don't know. I am just one of those people who likes a little bit of everything. I have always dappled and tried different jobs. But never really settled on any one career. I was so impressed by the students in my graduating class who knew what they wanted to do 10 years ago and are doing it. That's amazing to me.
Some people may see me as a wondering soul. Some may be even lazy. And to some ... a Jill of all trades.
I just want my baby boy to be proud of his momma. I need to evaluate what I want to focus on and going for it.